so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
