I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
did you just send me my own nude
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
