I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
