my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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