I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
