You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Less talking, more tequila
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
