Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
