This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
