Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
