I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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