no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
