Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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