Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize