You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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