i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
