break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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