peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
