What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
