Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
