I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
