sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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