I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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