If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
