this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
