3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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