There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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