"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize