Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
