I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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