He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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