I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
