i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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