I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
