her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
