If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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