I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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