My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
