I'm so fucking centered right now
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
