Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
