Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
