me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
