i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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