I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
