Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
