It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
