I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
