Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
