He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
