I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
