just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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