Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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