it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
