forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This beer is not sobering me up at all
it's like heaven, but drunker
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize