I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
