I think I am morally bankrupt
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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