Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You can't special order awesome
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
