Why is your signature on my underwear?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well I just put wine in my tea
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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