toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
