First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize