around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
