my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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