Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
